A few representatives of Mocha Club spoke at the Influence Conference last September, and I immediately signed up as a supporter. The Mocha Club is “a community giving up the cost of a few mochas a month to support development projects in Africa.” Mocha Club supports 5 projects in Africa: clean water, education, healthcare, economic freedom, and orphan care. They also run fashionABLE (mentioned in this post), which provides jobs for former prostitutes and women at risk in Ethiopia. Check out their beautiful scarves and bags!

A few weeks ago I was asked to volunteer at Matt Wertz’ Dallas concert on behalf of Mocha Club to share what they’re doing (not from the stage. yikes) and to sign people up.  It was a fun night, and I met a lot of great people.

Mocha Club is doing amazing work in Africa, and their projects will be making an impact for generations to come; join us!

THE VULNERABILITY ARMORY

As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished, and disappointed.  We put on armor; we used our thoughts,  emotions, and behaviors as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even to disappear. Now as adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection–to be the person we long to be–we must again be vulnerable. We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen.

In chapter four of Daring Greatly Brené discusses the vulnerability armory–the walls of protection we build up around ourselves in childhood.  She breaks it down into different shields (and let’s be real: the shields we carry around = bondage) that many of us use to protect ourselves from being vulnerable, as well as the Daring Greatly countermeasure.

According to Brené, the most common vulnerability shields are:

• Foreboding Joy “softening into the joyful moments of our lives requires vulnerability…we don’t want to be blindsided by hurt.”
• Perfectionism “…not the same thing as striving for excellence… [it’s] a defensive move. [It] is, at its core, about trying to earn approval…Perfectionism is a form of shame.”
• Numbing “…the most universal numbing strategy is… crazy-busy. We are a culture of people who’ve bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives won’t catch up with us.”
• Letting It All Hang Out “oversharing is not vulnerability…We can purge our vulnerability or our shame stories out of total desperation to be heard.”
• Serpentining “trying to control a situation, backing out of it, pretending it’s not happening, or maybe even pretending that you don’t care. We use it to dodge conflict, discomfort, possible confrontation, the potential for shame or hurt, and/or criticism (self or other-inflicted). Serpentining can lead to hiding out, pretending, avoidance, procrastination, rationalizing, blaming, and lying.”
• Cynicism, Criticism, Cool & Cruelty “…they can be fashioned into weapons that not only keep vulnerability at a distance, but also can inflict injury on the people who are being vulnerable and making us uncomfortable.”

Although Brené explores in depth different strategies to combat each of the vulnerability shields, the basic remedy for freedom is:

• I am enough–worthiness vs. shame (my notes: as God’s children, we are chosen, worthy, and loved)
• I’ve had enough–[healthy] boundaries vs. one-upping and comparison (my notes: Galatians 5:13 13 “For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.”)
• Showing up, taking risks, and letting myself be seen is enough–engagement vs. disengagement (my notes: Philippians 4:13 “I can through all things through Christ, who gives me strength.” We can do hard things.)
  

  are you just observing life from behind a wall that you’ve built around your heart?

I can totally relate to most of the types of vulnerability armor Brené describes in this chapter–particularly perfectionism, letting it all hang out, and serpentining. I want this to be the year that I drop my armor and embrace genuine vulnerability.  Do you recognize yourself in any of these descriptions?

(This post is  part of a weekly link up series with Carrie at Waiting with Joy.)

This decorate-it-yourself Starbucks travel mug has been sitting at the back of one of our kitchen cabinets for years… 6 years, in fact, the length of time we’ve been in our house (side note: the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere).

In the name of freedom, I have been in mega-purge THROW AWAY ALL THE THINGS mode for the past couple of weeks.  One night last week I was digging through a cabinet and lining up on the counter the items which were on the chopping block.  I heard something knocking around in this mug and opened it up to find two little packages, wrapped in red tissue paper, and a fairy sticker.

Suddenly, I remembered. (and by remembered I mean I lost my breath, the color drained from my face, my knees became weak and wobbly).  This is the last birthday gift I ever bought and prepared for my best friend Larissa, which she never received (her cycling accident was the week before her 23rd birthday). It was like a little perfectly preserved time capsule/bomb sitting in my kitchen all these years.

a sticker for her car, 2 Sephora eye liners & a sharpener (hey, I was in college)

This is the point in the post where I was going to talk about the major revelation this incident caused me to have and the deep, life-changing thing I learned. But, I couldn’t think of anything, except that sometimes sucky, hard things happen.

Larissa died, and I will still be missing her and grieving for her for the rest of my life. I found the last birthday present I ever bought for her, and it was really painful and crappy.  And, I need to clear out our cabinets more often. I mean… seriously.

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, He’ll help you catch your breath. Psalm 34:18

 A few weeks ago I read a great blog post by a mom who doesn’t do Elf on the Shelf because she feels that it teaches her children that receiving gifts/blessings is conditional, based on their performance.  I was telling a friend about it, and she responded: “but isn’t that what Christianity is?”

Hearing this broke my heart, and I realized that performance-based Christianity is a lie believed by too many of my sisters. You can believe that we are saved by faith, that our salvation is secure and cannot be lost, and still be living under the yoke of performance in your walk with the Lord.

PERFORMANCE: a display of…behavior or a process involving a great deal of unnecessary time and effort; a fuss: an action, task, or operation, seen in terms of how successfully it was performed*

vs.

GRACE:  the free and unmerited favor of God*

“Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God’s grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died for nothing.” Galations 2:21

The enemy’s number one tactic is to attack God’s character, to get us to question God’s goodness and grace and to make us feel as though yes, God loves us, but we must always be doing and striving to stay in His favor, to earn His approval and to receive His blessings.  (The first record we have of the enemy ever speaking lies to one of God’s children is when the serpent led Eve to question the character of God in the Garden of Eden.)

If we don’t have a full understanding of God’s character, of His rich, unconditional, ferociously powerful love and limitless grace (free and unmerited favor) for His children, then we keep the Lord at arm’s length and are missing out on what it truly means to be a daughter of the Most-High King with the privilege to approach His throne freely, with boldness and confidence (Hebrews 4:16). He longs to lavish His love upon you!!

As believers, God looks upon us and sees us through the lens of the complete and finished work of Jesus on the cross. When He sees you He is filled with joy to behold His precious child–you!–whom He loves so much that He knows how many hairs are on your head (“And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.” Matthew 10:30) He’s not looking at your failures, your weaknesses, how many times you’ve had a quiet time this week or whether or not you give something up during Lent.

Absolutely nothing you can ever do or not do will add or take away from God’s opinion of you.  He is not interested in your performance.

So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us?…The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture…None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. Romans 8:35-39

I am thrilled and honored to be a contributor to Overcome The Lie‘s January 2014 blog tour. 

**these definitions came from Oxford Dictionaries

UNDERSTANDING AND COMBATING SHAME (AKA GREMLIN NINJA WARRIOR TRAINING)

I loved the third chapter of Daring Greatly, in which Brené discusses some pretty heavy topics like: the correlation between perfectionism and shame, how shame-based cultures (corporations, families, countries) stifle creativity and innovation, how shame can perpetuate addictions, and the different things that cause women (appearance, issues around motherhood) vs. men (weakness, showing fear) to experience shame.

Brené says shame is: “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging…” And that “sometimes shame is the result of us playing the old recordings that were programmed when we were children.”

Shame is the root of so much junk in our lives and causes us to tie our self worth to other people’s opinions of us which is super dangerous–both from the “I’m super awesome and can do no wrong” perspective and from the “I totally suck and nothing I do will ever be worth anything, so I’m not worth anything” perspective. When we stop tying our self-worth to people’s reactions to us and to our work, that’s when the freedom to be creative comes.  I realized that a lot of my writer’s block comes from paralyzing perfectionism, the root of which is shame and fear of judgement. yikes.

When we visited Hillsong London in October, the pastor said during his sermon that deep, crippling shame is what keeps a lot of people locked in the stranglehold of addiction (to alcohol, food, sex, drugs, etc.). Brené’s research totally confirms this; shame causes people to withdraw from those around them and to keep secrets, which helps keep them trapped in the cycle of addiction. 

Shame is also the root of the bullying and mean-girl culture that’s so pervasive today; those who feel shame deeply attempt to shame others. “We’re so desperate to get out and stay out of shame that we’re constantly serving up the people around us as more deserving prey.”

Like so many other strongholds, shame begins to dissipate once it is exposed, confronted, and spoken about:

 Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists–it’s so easy to keep us quiet. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it.

This post is a link up with Carrie, who blogs at Waiting with Joy.

I’m discovering that a big part of my learning to walk in freedom in 2014 is choosing to live intentionally.  For the past several years instead of approaching my days and each task in a mindful, purposeful way, I’ve kind of floated through life, doing things on auto pilot and just getting by.

By this I mean: wasting a good portion of my weekends parked on the couch watching movies, putting off nagging chores until they absolutely had to be done or bad things would happen (and then kind of half-assing them), always turning to TV when I had a spare moment, mindlessly eating whatever was put in front of me, and on and on.

Last Saturday night I made some popcorn (my bestie Cara got me a Whirley Pop for Christmas… AMAZE), cozied up on the couch, and began to look through Netflix for a movie. After about 10 minutes of looking at the same movie descriptions over and over, I felt kind of restless and icky, and nothing looked appealing. Suddenly, I decided to turn off the TV and read instead (this kind of thing never happens).

By getting out of my numb, auto pilot mode and taking a moment to reflect and ask myself what would truly be the most life-giving, tank-filling thing for me to do with my time, I ended up having the most restful, refreshing Saturday night at home that I’ve had in quite awhile.

Lara Casey often talks about downloading–getting the junk out of your head and onto paper–in order to pave the way for clearer thinking and goal setting (not necessarily huge goals, but what you want your day to look like). I’ve started doing this, and sometimes I’m super surprised by what I write down, by what’s been burdening me.  It feels good to get it all out, and it helps me see what I need to focus on to bring my life into order.  Then I write down what I want to focus on once the junk is cleared away and what would be the most life-giving use of my time.

“what’s filling your mental mason jar?” -Lara Casey

It’s amazing how freeing it is to conquer nagging chores and complete things that have been on your to-do list for months. (example: I finally called Boden about getting a refund on that newish skirt that is coming unraveled, and I lugged that box of books that’s been sitting in our dining room for ages to Half-Priced Books.)

Living intentionally, for me, means saying yes to the things that fill my tank–reading quality books, conquering my to-do list before it becomes overwhelming, running–and no to the things that don’t–procrastinating, eating like I’m on death row, not getting enough sleep.

SOME TOOLS I’M USING TO HELP ALONG THE WAY:

Naptimes Diaries printables for making lists & planning the week ahead

The Yadahome iPhone app to make grocery lists (I like it because I can make different lists for different stores)

She Reads Truth devotionals

Lara Casey’s PowerSheets

I know that traveling internationally can be overwhelming for a lot of people.  London is one of my favorite cities in the world (it’s tied with Barcelona), and I love sharing my favorite parts of it with others–both in person and virtually.

Dawson Place, the best B&B I’ve stayed at in London

 Our breakfast was brought into our room on a cart, and we ate at a little table next to the fireplace in our room.  (We stayed in the pink room.) AMAZE.

I’ve been to London loads of times, and Dawson Place is absolutely the best place I’ve ever stayed. It’s reasonably priced (especially considering the delicious breakfast they serve you in your room–yogurt, cereals, bread, jam, cheese, tea, coffee & juice), and it’s right in the heart of Notting Hill, within walking distance to the Portobello Road Market and the Notting Hill Gate tube station.  It’s so close to the market that I paused my shopping to return to our room and drop off my bags and eat something, and then I headed right back to the market. It’s seriously like a 5 minute walk. Oh, AND it’s right around the corner from Nando’s, one of our very favorite places to eat.

Each time we’re in London on a weekend we attend Hillsong’s Sunday service at The Dominion Theater, which is literally a few steps from the Tottenham Court Road tube station.  So awesome.

When you’re in London:

If you don’t want to stay at Dawson Place and you don’t mind spending more, check out London House Hotel.  Both places are near the Notting Hill Gate tube station, which is served by the central, district, and circles lines.  Being close to this station makes navigating the city super easy.

Eat at Nando’s. Cheap and delicious.

Chinatown is fun for a night out, and there are loads of legit Chinese restaurants to choose between.  It’s a short walk from the Leicester Square (pronounced Lester) tube station.

I highly recommend purchasing a Pocket Pilot Map of London before your trip.  SOOO helpful!!!!

Wear comfortable, supportive shoes.  You will walk more than you ever thought possible.  Ditto for travel days–airports are huge places.

ATMs are called “cashpoints.” This is the best and cheapest way to get cash abroad–places that exchange your money will usually charge you a huge percentage.

Make sure your bank/credit card company knows you’ll be traveling.  I’ve had to deal with my card being turned off because they thought it had been stolen, and it kind of sucked.

Have questions? I love to chat about this stuff, so ask away!

DEBUNKING THE VULNERABILITY MYTHS

In the second chapter of Daring Greatly, Brené exposes some myths about vulnerability; some of the things she says in this chapter definitely hit a little too close to home for my taste.  Oh, and before we get too far into this–Brené defines vulnerability as: uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

Myth 1: VULNERABILITY IS WEAKNESS. This one is “the most widely accepted,” and “the most dangerous,” and people often “feel contempt when others are less capable or willing to mask feelings, suck it up, and soldier on.” Seeing others being vulnerable is awkward, and “we let our fear and discomfort become judgement and criticism.”  Instead of being a sign of weakness, Brené says that “vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, [and] empathy” and that “vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.” Love it.

Myth 2: I DON’T DO VULNERABILITY. “regardless of our willingness to do vulnerability, it does us. When we pretend that we can avoid vulnerability we engage in behaviors that are often inconsistent with who we want to be.” Boom.

Myth 3: VULNERABILITY IS LETTING IT ALL HANG OUT. In this section Brené talks about the difference between true vulnerability and “a secret-sharing-free-for-all…vulnerability without boundaries leads to disconnection, distrust, and disengagement.” I had to mull this over for awhile.

Myth 4: WE CAN GO IT ALONE. “Going it alone is revered in our culture,” but, the truth is, our strength really is in numbers.  Hiding our true selves and isolating ourselves from others requires that we “stay small and quiet…so as not to draw attention to [our] imperfections and vulnerabilities.”  Wearing this kind of mask gets exhausting and serves neither ourselves nor others.  In fact, the beautiful and freeing thing is that “vulnerability begets vulnerability; courage is contagious.”

As someone who describes herself as an awkward over sharer and is willing to tell almost anyone almost anything and who has the tendency to be a loner, this chapter was a little, um, uncomfortable to read and gave me a lot to think about. It also reminded me of Galatians 6:2, where we are directed to “share each other’s burdens.”  How can we do that if we refuse to let down our guard and be vulnerable with one another?

This post is a link up with Carrie, who blogs at Waiting with Joy.

This year I plan on linking up with Haley Morgan each month to share my goals.  Nothing keeps you accountable like telling the entire internet you’re going to do something, am I right?

need to get my ducks in a row.
(this photo was taken during our trip to the Lake District)

This January I will:

1. Plan meals each week–especially work lunches and snacks, which are always a ridiculous struggle for me. (see this post for more on my sad lunches)

2. Reach out to a few college friends I’ve lost touch with.

3. Go on more dates with Jon.  We need to make an effort to do fun things together outside of the usual Sprouts, Target, bank, & post office runs and the occasional trip to the movies.

4. Take at least one carload of stuff to Goodwill.  One way I’m pursuing FREEDOM this year is by making my home a clear, open space, free of clutter. It helps keep the anxious away. And, it just looks nicer.

5. Fill out and use my PowerSheets.  To be honest, I’ve filled out only the first few pages. I’ve sat and stared at them a lot.  They kind of scare me.  Dreaming big dreams is one thing, but making an action plan with practical, doable steps to achieve them, which means they might actually happen? Oy vey.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.” ― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”

unofficial goal: embrace my gigantic new glasses

What are your goals for January?  Does the idea of setting small, monthly goals feel less daunting to you (like it does to me) than setting big, yearly goals?

The past couple of weeks, there have been some disturbing rumors floating around the internet about the future of Ethiopian adoptions.  We’ve been on our adoption agency’s Ethiopia waiting list for 10 months, and when we heard the rumors and read some worrying things online, my first reaction was fear and tears.

It’s a major DUH that international adoption is not for the faint of heart and that things can change in a moment (like when Russia suddenly decided to completely stop all international adoptions last year), but, the (potentially) bad news we heard was still like an icy, shocking punch to my gut.

Then, peace flooded my heart.

A few months ago, Haley Morgan, one of the founders of The Influence Network, said something in a post she wrote for She Reads Truth that deeply impacted me: “And if not, He is still good.”  As a result of some painful, challenging situations that I’ve faced the past few years, I have learned–deep down, in my bones learned–that God is sovereign.  He is in control.  And, even better (and most important): He is good.

Even when situations don’t play out the way we’d like them to, God is still good.  It’s the essence of His character; it’s who He is.

He sees the whole picture: the beginning, middle, and end of our story, and He knows what does and doesn’t need to happen in order to bring the most glory possible to Himself, for the sake of His kingdom. And He knows what will ultimately be best for us, at the end of our story. He is working all things for our good (Romans 8:28), even if it doesn’t feel that way in the moment.  Our only job is to trust Him and to lay our fear (and our tears) at His feet.

Complete, fully-abandoned, heart-wide-open trust in the One who laid down His life for us is freedom.

I long to adopt from Ethiopia, and I want our babies to be safe and sound in our home by the end of the year.

And if not, He is still good.

How has the Lord proven Himself to be faithful and good in the midst of difficult circumstances in your life? Or, on the flip side, is this something you struggle with?